I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
