a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
