i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
