I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
