if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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