Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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