I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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