My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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