Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Someone came in the potted fern
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
