I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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