I hate your face
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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