It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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