I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
