i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
