And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
