no, he came in my armpit
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize