i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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