Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
