KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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