Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
