There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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