Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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