I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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