Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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