I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
