i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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