So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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