I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Randomize
