She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
