Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
