just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
