Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
