he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
