She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
