My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
