i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
