Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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