do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
