I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
