i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
