"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
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