A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
