I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
