Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
