I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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