i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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