people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
