Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
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