dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
