I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
