Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
