Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
