dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
