That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
