That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
