Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize