John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
