Cold hands, warm shart.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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