i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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