she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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