I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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